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Brillient Bizniss O’er Beer

ere today, elsewheres ’omorrow, saith Nesassiny the mother of Envincius, concerning their irksome workshirker Siriul Merta.  Thus was Merta fire-ed away

from his wagelabor in the lentil field, for that Nesassiny the mother of Envincius accuseth him of atrossidies.  He were shirking at work, saith she, And playing at lofty thoghts, and looming o’er the land in mockery of bending to it.  More over, he hath persistent shudderd her with shows of composure, while her own tormentative fobiae kept her self ajar.  These all are crimes of the field, saith she; and Envincius her son affirm-ed, he being the toilerpusher, with eyes-on ground contact.

            And severol there said, Wherefore dost thou complain especial today, Siriul Merta, above thine usual vexatious demeanor?  Thou knowest the set, and the gambols we run in the lentil vocation.  Yea, today wast thou toppled & gore’d by the rampant sow; this is that.  A fine way there to invest the balance of thy pocket-moly, that drum of drinkobeer.  Now shall we purchase thy pile of possessiens at littel to nought, and buzz out into the night, hoisting them about and boasting.  And thou, after thou hast drunk thy drum of lentilbeer, wilt thou crawl forth into the dust of the city, being nought to any one, save for thy back, it being a place to spit coughage & hackage.  And thy friends which thou hadst, they will remembre thee notte, and will also seem happier than ever.

            After hearing these things did Siriul Merta lift up an eye and say unto them, Mine other eye will neither lift, seeing I have drunk so much bier so far.  But to items beyond this eye which will not lift up:  I say that ye be dead to the facks as I know them, ye quaffminsters, and are wide wrong.

            Knew I the set?  Ye be wrong, inasmuch as I knew’t not, but thoght that I were of certain permanent positien in my positien, calling my self Milaird Lentil and such, as nor Envincius nor his mother appeard so lentilcompetent as to ever venture going me an ouster.  Yet, I am ousted.  Mmm.  They seems must knowe bits concerning lentils that I never knewn they knewn.

            Now.  Is this that?  Ye be wrong some more, groggards, inasmuch as this is not that; for tho today was I gore’d by the rampant sow, I shall stalk the advantidge, and gaining it, shall have

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this dotty jobstopper and her son to wash my feet daily for their firey policy.  Unto her I said upon terminatien, I have been wonderful unto thee and for thee; wherefore putst thou now me away?  And the answer was:  Thou baskest in the rosy glow of blissful assurance, whereas I sear in jets of disquiet and may ne’er be smug; for this I wud see thee out & suffer.

            O (saith Merta), she said it not in words.  But I am one that knoweth what is going said in want of words.  Reading in her visage the native code of her thoght, I devise-ed a psychic algorithem and with it hackt passage through her murky mind, invading her mentol sanctum like as some incubustic lovebully; and there I spied upon her uncloakt attitude, which lay before me in its compromise’d kernel.  ’Tis the way I deal with paepel, and those which wud hide their minds.

            Now, drunkards; ye be wrong some more also, and dead to fact and stinking, in that ye shall neither buy my possessiens at little to nought, but shall, defacto, pay twice their worth.  And seeing as I did my self steal them, ’twill for me be all the differense ’twixt good & excellent, sure better than worse!

            Now.  Ye have said that I will crawl me into the dust and take spittage upon my back; when in fact, ’tis clear to me that I shall have conquest over the god Beuel, and shall keepf him with the dogs at my sister’s house to show before visitors.  And I shall say, Usher in this pestilence or that, and Beuel shall see to it.  And as to my friends and any forgetting of me, baaaa, I keep no fools for friends—tho, ye & I may still bag a laff & make at bizniss.  I wud also tell you more, but this other eye will neither now lift up; and, casting my voice as I do at you across the din of this den, I itch in humiliance before any who entereth herein.  Sure, they enter, and hear me, and turn and see me, and falter in their path, thinking, Damns, here go we, another snapping beard in the corner, more disruptien.

            And the several there were challenged by those words of Siriul Merta concerning his possessions, Ye shall pay twice their worth.  For they were sophisticoots whose lifes were filld with bargaining, & deceiving, & magistrate-bribing, & clapping backs in transient token harmonies, & coming to quick values on thievd properties discreetily moved; for besides drunkards were they eminent men of bizniss, stanchions of practicol commerse.  And they did know that the very devil of hell cud neither wring from them any dubbelprice.  And they said among them, We shall certainly deceive him, for we know law; and know also that the masters whom law serveth will ne’er allow it to serve him.

            Behold, said they.  We will tarry till he hath gluggd his drum of beere, and will buy for him another, pretending unto a greater thirst for his peerless parlance, humer & sociedy.  And when that he hath saild o’er the rainbo and gone sotts, then will we fall upon him in bewildring arrays and with multiple bizniss tongues, that his bizness be driven from his head and ours prevail.  Goode profit?  Hap we our selfs might to fight among us, to see who will profit most.

            So.  When that Merta had had his way with the drum, and a kick had sent it rolling amongst slobbs, the commercestanchions jangld their purses and arose, crying, Hark, stuperifrous tavernskeep; seest thou not the bone-dry plight of Our Man?  With small eyes there, thou needst e’en bigger ears than those elophont’s ears which thou hast, to hear when the

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guzzling hath lulld.  Hay, now.  Another drum for the belov-ed Siriul Merta, who wath cutted down by the known hound Nesassiny on this Very Day, this Very, Very Day.  More beer, more beer; our job is to bopp the sobs.

            This Very Day, saith Siriul Merta, and on several days besides.  And he drank, saying, Honors to these, my frothy benefacters.  Ye give, and give, and give, and what do I?  (And he turn-ed one up to them, and quafft ever deep.)

            And they sitting at their table did smile, and shew they unto him their greezy palms in extra salutatien.  And real were the smiles, if false employd; for the schemers thoght, The good moly spended for that beer shall in short be manifold redeemd.

            And when by & by the second drum was bottomd, and Siriul Merta hangd upon his chair like as a snake’s half-sheddnd skin, hither slitherd they smiling unto him, and saying, Let’s see thy pot there, Friend.  And, Let’s see thy stick, & thy rug, & thy tin of straws, & this & that.  And Siriul Merta answerd and said unto them, See them.  I am nigh unto a falling away.

            And they descended upon the possessiens with foam upon their lipfs, with rapid bargaining, and waving of hands, and preaching & prayers, and tears, and invocatiens of legal moment, all in ploying to assume possessian at no cost.  And they peerd & pawd, eyes adance & tongues adart.  But they were driven to huddle, saying, Siriul Merta, he heareth us not.  And so, they edge-ed up the slope of price, offring a shingle more for this, a wafer more for that.  But still, Siriul Merta, he heard them not.

            And they edge-ed, & edge-ed, & edge-ed, & edge-ed up, hating them selfs, tho neither such much as they were hated by others.  And by & by said they unto Merta in their depletion, The air is thin up here on this price pinnacol, Bully-Bargain.  Say.  We shall proffer unto thee only the plain one value of these goods, none more.  (For they yet wisht to preserve about them selfs the air of virility at commerse, by defeating the challenge of Siriul Merta, Ye shall pay twice their worth.)  For profits will come to us yet (said they), when these things we acquire are hawkt by us unto the newmarried young at some great haggley price.

            Then sprang & said Siriul Merta unto them, Zound, mine hearing hath returnt; let us seal, ere my good ear again ditch out.  Pay ye then unto me the plain value of all my truck, dev’l mount & grind you—take it.  Take it.  Take it.  (For Merta fancieth him self a prodigy of dramas, wringing fresh blood outen the dead dry tradisien of redundance.  Neither seeketh he to shame the great stagers he hath studied, but only to make’t worke.)

            And the conspiraters flasht the sign of conquest & dominion unto those roundabout who watch-ed from their tables.  And they at their tables convers-ed, saying, ’Twere inevidabol; he hath need of the kwah-nahzh (meaning, coinage), and must go down.  And some said, I knew that he wud succumb at value.  (Tho, these had not said before, He will succumb at value.  Yet, now said they, I knew that he wud succumb at value.)

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            And Siriul pouch-ed his polymoly (which were to say, many shingles of molybdenum) and departed, climbing right spryly through the window.  Two runt drums of lentilbier to him were nought; Siriul Merta, of olden day he drinkt that stuffe constant, out there in the field.