6.
Wanton Excess & the Spectacol of a Slayer Affrighted

nd Tarvatillion the Slayer stood tall before his crew, and pulld in a torso’s fill of good air, and releast it steaming out into the world, to the nourishment of the living

and mockery of the dead.  And he announst & said, Yea, now, I have me an fine feeling, as of fresh peppers.  Any possobility of downing me, I know not thereof.  ’Tis well time to shimmy me into a civil skin and make after some positive repute.

            And a master feast was pitcht by Tarvatillion, for to revere him self, and hap slipf a nod unto Fae Leelay Ruttin for her fringework in that which he now did exhort his scribes to denominate a great humane slaughter widouts blood.  For he found easy to forget the blood of Wy-Kye the Utter.  And many among the historial scholers, all those within the Slayer’s reach, they did put to doubt the labeling as blood of that which had issuen outen Wy-Kye’s ear.  ’Twere no bloodstuffs (opine-ed they) that were seen in Tarvatillian’s civil and positive Teste for the Benefitment of Humannidy; such fell conception hath arizz through mistelling from tongue to twisty tongue.  ’Twas meant to be said that wax dripp-ed from his ear, and notte blood.  And they tolt the parabol of the golden ox-ear, saying:  

There were a certain ox that hat a reguler ear and also an ear made of gold.  And it came to pass that on the sabbath, lo, the ox was fallen into a pit that was there in the field, neither cud it arise therefrom.  And the man came alongby and seen there his ox down in the pit, and seen also its ears, that outen the reguler one came silence, whereas outen the golden one came a crying like unto the crying of a child.  And when that the man went forth and said unto his workers, Woe, mine ocks is fallen into a pit, and outen its reguler ear cometh silence—What, wud he then also say, Outen its golden ear cometh some more silence also, or, cometh some marblestone, or, some wisdem?  Or wud he not say right that which cometh forth outen its respective ear, as in saying, Outen the reguler ear, some silence, and outen the golden ear, some crying like unto the crying of a child?  Likewise wherefore shud beholders say, blood, when beholding the wax that drippeth outen the ear of a fine contestent?  Nay; rather would they surely say, wax, e’en as the man wud say, Outen the golden ear, some crying like unto the crying of a child.  And whosoever heareth blood when wax were spake, the same hath heard but a confusien of inarticulot tongue, such as afflicteth some kinds of beholders.

 
           And now is the feast pitcht; and Tarvatillion enumerateth his deeds in sweatsong before his constituents.  And now & then he brake off to teste them concerning that he related, for to see whether an they hearkend, and how muche deeply.  And those whose hearkening was not deep were humbld and sent out for flash reform by remedial historiens.  And those who hearkend not atall were move’d unto the front, away from their friends.  And after this all, those who yet hearkend not, nor hearkend deeply, they became the objeks of review by Tarvatillion, who said concerning them, These have ears for lending, but lend them not.  Lest all these lendable ears they wither and slough of unuse, let us to confiscait them for the poor who, undispose’d to take in washings, and unwilling to flipp scones at the inns, and ungiven to till & sow, all do reach & clamour to be fed.  And it came to pass that Lady Fae Leelay Ruttin—whom Tarvatillion now

16.

calleth Hugpoppet—became Fae Leelaw the Earwack, for that she went out amongst them with a goatskin and filld it fat with ears.

            And Tarvatillion yodeld his songs, and trill-ed him self honors, and did honor also Hozo the Dead, saying, He knew me; he knew me.  And Tarvatillion did drink the wine of the apeberry, declaring him self immune unto its fevers, & more powerful than any of the sots it hath conquerd.  And whilst so drinking sang he a song that a certain dark dramatist had compos-ed for him, and whom, according unto legends, the Slayer had slain for that the song pleasd him not.  But now in singing the song said he, This is likily my best songue after all; tho in fairness unto me must be submitted the disclaimer that my tastes were yet unseasond at the time I slew him for it (or am depicted to have slayn him).  And Tarvatillion was interested to think about this.

            And as he drank & boasted, saying, See me knock back the berry, Tarvatillion the Slayer waxt exceeding prophetic, cursing some gods & praising others, but in all event promising that by & by the stars should by his able hand be pleasanter arrange’d.  And he causd double rotatory lines of servants to assembol for to carry unto him goatsacs of wine, which he straightway consum-ed—tho some he dumpt discreetily down his back, whilst calling for more & more, that all the people shud thinq, What a drinker is he!  O, I would that he marry my daughter—unto our house come incognitum with his wagons of wine, and he stand before us whilst drinking his amazing overages, and he unto us say, Master & Dame, I wud beg of you your daughter’s lovlie person for myself; for we are latch & key, foot & boot, this & that.

            And the eventide, & all the celebrasian of his past doings & present tendencies & yearnings per the future, they receded away from his sight, and there stole a mist across his eyes.  And when with much rubbing thereof could he again make out some shapes & shades, behold, Tarvatillion found him self alone in the wilderness of a nether plane; and a strange thing sure went all upon him.  And strange it were that the strange thing were Fear.

The Lament of Tarvatillion

            Unto my self a signol given, up to rise, and flee,
            Command of all the world relinquisht to ignominy
            Na tadda tadda tadda tadda tadda tadda ta
            Da dadda dadda nadda dadda nadda dadda da

            There in one brillient moment sat I with my backcourt, having things my way—which were the only way permittnd (and he pausen to reminisce upon those things which had been his way)—and I did feast & sing & assess the hearkening of mine attenders, and the dancers danst, and the very candles in their blubberpolisht sconces vi-ed for mine eye.  (And I, I conceded them no open regard, but made show in stead of taking in the tar torches and the smutty light they shew—all in mischief, I.)  And lo, in a further moment’s coming, there passeth all that grand standing, and here am I, poor Tarvatillion the Slayer, ported unto a place where behind any bush might lie my destiny as mold, some sudden days-ender on me.

            Surely am I fallen to magick, to conjuring, & invocatiens, & witchery, & spells, & callings-downe & callings-forth.  Marry, forchunate am I that no earth elementals have thusfar been raisd agin me, nor no harpies, nor no manticores, nor no werebears nor other mystical masticaters.  For I have neither madjick sword nor majjek bow, neither majock speare nor magic mace have I; nor staff nor scalpel nor shiv have I (majjik, all), nor e’en no booke of sorcerereal utterances to take out the eyes of interlopers.  Nor majyk salads have I for to spread upon the table of mine enemy.  Nought, nought atall have I save need.

            But this I say:  Whatsoever plain strait hurtful things I might find here, such as mundayne weapons droppt by mortals in the bedlam of retreat, and such as pokiesticks, & rocks, & creatures trainabol or hurlabol, & slickslide substances, and projectyles chiseld by some early injury-loving peopel, these shall I not dally in pitting full against foul spirits.  Nevertheless, possessing as I do the battlewit to know that suche pedestrien devices they are prone to failure agaynst qualidy oppositien, then shall I also be fixt to run in my fastest direction, dodging & flitting & rolling as need be to obviate a smiting by fireballs, & streaking gases, & hovering faces that spit wicked, & devastating stenches.

            How ever; if an I become snare’d or smitten down against all my boss endeavor, then shall I turn like as the bleeding beaste upon mine eviscerative adversary, and (talk about thy waste, Yehoshaphatt!) I shall lay some waste in deed upon whatsoever pursueth me.

            Mmmm & hmmm; Now thinqing of’t, ’tis not unlikily that the consolidated taxmonsters of Grudenza & Gar have here gatherd with the litigious Scud of Sgaheeny for to mire me so in the fecalities of legalities that I, with sobbing & gnashing of teeth, shall have no choice but to make forfeit unto them all that is mine.  Seeing that ne’er have I paid my taxes, having in stead sent unto them whimsicol drawings, telling them in pictures that the Slayer putteth his knee in the dust for no man nor no taxmonster, therefore can I guess their opinien of me, & wherefore they have come out with this measure against me.  But I shall make bargain with them, and shall promise to spare them in my slayings.  And I shall go to toil for them, counting taxes in their silver-stackt labyrinths day & night alongsides their armie of taxtime tallymandarins, and thus shall finish out my life a paragon of penance & restitusian.