The Relatividy of Wisdem

nd he anserd and said, When once I were an soldier, then wore I the habit of war.  When I were an physician, then wore I the habit of the physiciary.  Now, when I am nothing, wear I the habit thereof, which is nothing.

nd the stalwart said again, Wherefore saist thou, I am nothing; when I can easy see that thou art an old man, which, tho not muche, is something?  Wherefore wearest thou not then the habit of old men, a scrapcloth & a stick?

nd the sleet of antique eyes went all upon him.  And the old man said unto him, Thou knowest nought of the person and its expressien, nor of poetetic attitude.  One might to forgive it, saying that thou art fresh and wilt in time gather those things that I now do know.  But, it seem that even when I were of thine age, I knewn the most of them all ready, which is muche more than that thou now appearst to know.  And so, I am not certain for thee, that thou wilt ever bear an turdsweight of any knowledge.  Ta.

nd the stalwart waxt exceeding wroth.  And he said, Thou art but an old naked man.  An thy lernings have caus-ed this, then ’twere time wasted down the timehole, and not a grain of’t wud I. 

More over hast thou now with thy wisdem setted up a state of affair wherein I must to smite thee—which is lerning, in a way.  And he smote the old naked man, and departed.

nd the old smitten naked man did sit bent, testing the splitted ridge upon his brainscase, until the darkness were nigh.  And he climbd he again down offen his rock and passt into his house of weeds, feeling worser naked for all his loss of stoke.

            There were two women come before me with two sons.  And the one woman was beautiful, and the other was ugly.  And the ugly one spake with the voice of the crocus loach, saying, My name is Pandemonia.  And I said, Silence or death.  Then sipp-ed I my tea until ’twere gone; and at last gave I the gesture of continuance unto the beautiful one.  And she said unto me with the voice of Caressmas the softseep wind, Well; these sons here, they are the both mine.  And straightway said the ugly one, Nay, but rather, these sons are mine.  And I said unto her, When I mentiend the silence, did I not mentch’ the death?  And I shew her my fist.

            Now, these wimmen had slappt long red runners upon each another’s jaw.  And the sons were silent with torpor; and looking upon them, I knew not to laff or to weepf, so dull & nassty were they, and contrary to our consepsien of nature.  But the women besought me to settel their dispute concerning them.

            Now I did agree some what with the beautiful one.  But then did the ugly one commence to entice me, leaning far o’er and convincing me with exposure, by & by saying, ’Tis an hot day; this robe bindeth me to death.  And she did take & cast her garm up onto a beam, where it hangd.  And behold, there beamd also her persuaders before the world, and before my lockt focus.  And tho I studied those two with amazement, yet I cud not judge which woman to credit, the beautiful or the lascivious.  And neither woman shew both qualities, else the matter were done.  Therefore said I unto them:

alway, to enter into his general store.  What, wud ye come aguzzling your lord’s wine right outen his hipsac?  Wud ye come astealing your lord’s nose right offen his gazing face?  Yet ’twere better my nose by scizzors, than my knowledge by lies:  kingsay.  Now.  To your vulgar conceits that in your dupery of him ye have bested the mighty at witplay, let me stiffly say, Such feckless fantasie putteth to boiling a brain like unto mine, that setteth great store in constant preeminence and utmo preponderance.

            And it is perilous.  For in the end, sharp truth doth bore outen the glum closet wherein it hath been kerstasht, and culprits are made knewn, and there followeth a rolling of heads.  No verity remaineth forever swath-ed in lies, save those secret things I do.

            ettol now with truth, and I shall to forgive the liar, after cursing an while, and shall take the other for my wife.  But woe.  An thou liar persist in this lie some more, then shall I be compelld to some brutol interim judgiment pending assortoments of fack from fixien.  And when that truth at last shucketh off her swathage and announceth the liar, then unceasing shall I curse that liar through outs these halls, saying, Damns, damns; and my soldiers shall come and knock down thy wall and stompf out thy guts around & abouts upon the ground, and in the street that thy peopel erode in traversing, and in thy naybors’ shanties; and I shall take the other woman for my wife.

            And I thought, I have frighted e’en my self in the slappdowne power of all this rectificial policy-do.  Surely now will one of these womans rashily confess, and I will play my mayhem and have a wife.  But lo, they hitted me with a look as of the balmy balmae viewing the dotty dottae.

            And the beautiful one said, These sons are both mine.  And the ugly one, sons now swinging from her bulbs, said, These sons are mine, both.  And redrunnerslapping commenst.

            And Cutzamullich did coddle his moot, and said, Hath this tale any end, possibol physicien?  And the physician put the eye on him, saying, Hold.  And the King smake some more leaves, and began he to laff.  And his laffing were inappropriot.  And he settld back with his moot, and said with laffing, There is some thing wrong with these leaves; they alway do this unto me.  And behold, he saw the drawn visage of the physician, and aspire-ed unto a bit of solemnity him self, saying, That were prettigoode, what thou toldst unto those womans.  But then commenst he again to laugh.

            And against his irritance the hap-physician continu-ed, saying:

            I did now ask these women questiens of the analytic.  For there is a perfect teacher which hath postulatend that things may be determind through Questiens, abandoning thereby the classique attaque (the which is to assume that thou wilt).  Now.  I grueld them, dear Kinge, saying, How hath this dispute arisen?  Have ye a common husbend?  And they said, We do not think so, Magnificense.  And I said again, Have ye dwelt up in the same house, and taken mutual run of properties & premises, that the practise might, o’er time, reach across materniol bounds?  And they said, Of course not, Majestie.  (Hap they said Magnificense, and Majesty, or hapf not; I say’t now, for that they oughts have said it no matter whatte.)  And further said they, each conserning the other, No more have I share-ed with her than mine opinien of her; and it took about an instant.

            And I said again, Who gave birth unto these sons?  (For I thoght, Knowing this, might I guess who now is the mother also.)  But they were not deceivd; for one said, I did; and the other said, I also did.

            And I said again, Where are your famlies & your raucous street-dredged supportiers & your paid witnesses?  And they said, They are all dead.

            Then said Nixin, who were an fruitier which hath come to peddle some fruits, Test them in the ways of mothery, lord.  For the better mother, who knoweth the bossest ways—that will be the true mother.  ’Tis what I wud do, and I am seldem wrong.  But e’en some howe this fail, still ’twill be beste, for the better mother hath gaind sons, and sons have gaind an better mother; and the other mother, she who made birth and oughts have prevaild, the same will swaller her a caustical swaller of justiss for her terribol mothery.  And, she will have me.  (And with his eyesbrowls he shew them he was serious.)

            And my wise man said unto me (—sure, neither didst thou imagine that I ran widouts no wise man, didst thou?) —he said unto me, This plan of Nixin, ’tis too good, lord.  This man is daingerous.  Secret doth he dwell upon being him self king!  For how cud he not, having such capital plans?

            And I pixurd Nixin on my chair, and mine heart ache-ed an ache as I knew that my mother’s heart wud to have ache-ed at the pixure of Nixin on her sweet son’s chair.  And it came to pass that the bile of my craw caus-ed me to have Nixin taken up on hooks, and the wise man likewise.  (For the fanadic inclinasiens that a man imputeth to others be ofttimes his very own.  Aleasts I have found it thus of me; therefore think I it also of my wise man.  But hooks fixen him.)

            And I commanded—I did notte aske, but commandnd—the womans to give me their stories.  And the beautiful one said me quite an storie:

            And I prepar-ed to render my judgoment.  But the ugly woman, she reard her head & said unto me, I too have a story, lord.  I lead no rebelliens against rulers who hear my story.

            And sure, no more than any in power, I wanten no rebelliens lead.  And so I said unto her, Well, ugly woman; if an it be not too good an story, tell it, then.  (For verily, I had beginnd to feel that the beautiful one shud prevail.)

            And she said, This versien oughts ride well with thee, lord, for I have practist it during the breake.  Now:

            As this beautiful woman did draw her drinkowater at the well, came I thither, towing my sons—there were, of a fact, three, but one escaip-ed.  And she said, I am beautiful, whereas thou art ugly.  And I paid her, for that she hath deignd to grace me with open conversasien, publicwise marking us a palaverous pair infus-ed with allure that, from its source in her, floweth out over me likewise and arouseth the libido of any man that seeth.  Now, our law requireth alway that value gaind must to be value met; so I paid her.

            And she honord me with speech again, saying, My beauty is a loose millstone that goeth acruising whither I gaze, and flatteneth all impediment, and smootheth my way through the bush.

            And I was certain that she was right.  And I reach-ed into my pouch for coins, but lo, they were all expended.  And so I offerd unto her an miniscule lip-hair blade that I carried behind mine ear; but she tolt me nay, she were no wulfwoman.  And for want of any pay she wud to accepte, then said I unto her, Well, the lord, he will provide.  (Tho, this were conjexure peeld offen a dogmum; still, nought cud I give unto her save unproovd theorie, beside a lip-hair blade, and no hope to go with it, e’en.)

            Further said this gorgeous one then unto me, This jugganaut that is my beauty, it giveth me extreme say within my sphere, imprinting my designs upon its path.  Dost thou not know

that I may simpoly reach & snatch away from thee whatsoever is thine?  Neither be there any chief nor magistrate who, crusht neath the millstone tonnage of my beauty, will hear thy shriek & cry, nor no acro bat that will come sombresaulting to thy service against me.

            And again I paid her with precious platitewds, for that she had thus long inundated me in the prestigious contagion of her beauty.  (And what am I, save the soul of lawful balance?)  But woe that e’er we meeted!  For then from deep within her beauty unleasht she the sociel horror thereof, and lullt my sons unto a dreamy state by striking wonderful poses.  Poor basterds!  Being dull and beautystarvd, and having chins made to drop & tongues to loll, they had no chance.  And she said, Kazamn, they are mine.  —The subsequence thou knowest, Mightiest, red runners and all.

            And tho I fathomd not the half of which she spake, nonetheless thoght I well of her polisht presentasien, as it toucht upon the meat of issues; clearly, she had laid some effert in.  I cud not cast her down.  Therefore I highlorded and said unto them, Well.  After an week shall I level a judgoment o’er these tragicks, having hear'd all that I will.  But for now, stay here and argue, and I will go and seek the great King Cutzamullich for his wisdom & wit.

            For the drop of thy name is an hammerload out there in the world, lord, a cessator of foolschat, a riveter of attentien, a captivor of dumb thrall.  What natien rising hath not lookt for her direxien in the legend of thine exemplary Kingsmanshift?  Be there any nullahoo so mired of mind as to cede a moment to his lifemuck widouts an awful thoght of the extrod’n’ry wall that thou hast raisd about thy city?  That wall, ’tis the best thing everwise.  Shade, sure, that it casteth by the yardsfull.  But more, all ready hath it casted brilliance across the shadowd chronicol of the world.  For high offen it plunge-ed the corporeal shell of the notherworldly god of poultry products—he which hap was come to cook and eat us all—plunge-ed and shatterd offen thine unclutterabol wall, stout King, offen off that most holy and exciteful of walls, which is simpoly callt, The Wall, which shall be kisst in scriptien and in song til the day when that men no longer sing of walls, whose master soul of wally shall foster walls like but lesser wheresoe’er intrepid oppressins opt to encoop & rule the unholy lowly with their cackling caws for that hazard sweetmeat Freedem.  Great Wall :: Great King, so ’tis said, and hap e’en some wheres written.

            Now some men have said, This King Kutsomullok, he sitteth grand famous with his Wall, yet not muchover wise be he.  And I have anserd for thee and said, The pronounciments of Fame prevail where those of Wisdem are swept away; betrust him.  Honor his positien.

            And so, nice King, whatsoe’er thou saist conserning this mother & child disjunxien, that same shall I in trustmas go and do.  For thou art Thee, and I am only me (as is said among the nongrammadicol).

—Thus & thus concludeth the Morali Fictienali par Meukisse
which was spaken unto Neb.