can i adjust to abjection
not knowing where
can home be a haze
of strangers
of shantytowns
 
of incremental losses
being looted
being booted
off benches
from under railroad bridges
out of teeming shelters
off restaurant property
i'll cook for food
 
can i adjust to madness - again
and again and again
can i make peace
with walking through a bright
midnight door
and saying i don't know who i am
where is this
it looked like
someone was here
awake
 
can i wake up in the fog
finally empty-handed
and bother to go on
can i  can i  can i
go on to where
 
is this a fin de siècle
or is this a coup de grâce
 
gethsemane is the crux
not golgotha
nor the stone rolled away
calvary was easy
after the garden scene
sunday morning was whipped creme
gethsemane told the tale
 
but who will be my judas
ah the efficacy of being gemini
come brother
let's get this betrayal
on the trail
 
let's get this puppy wormed
i've got to go to hell
on saturday morning
i've got to see a man about a god
 
does transmogrification hurt
is it like sunburn
or poison ivy
can i wear my watch
if i had a cell phone
would it work
could i text message it
put on my space
 
my mind i know, bless its little heart
tries me this favor every night
oh i'll just disassemble
all this shit that's been made up
to serve the devil
a wrecking crew of synapses
a hallelujah of smoke and rubble
but
goddamit
by daylight the renovation bunch
are still on union
coffee break
 
everything at dawn
looks like bizarro superman comics
 
a funhouse with no fun
my cat looks at me funny
the radio speaks at me funny
daylight seems absurd
 
and i'm afraid to turn my night light off
the intercom red eye
like an armed reminder
on a thermonuclear device
 
and a five gallon can of gasoline
smells good
and i look to see
if the fairy left me some pills
 
i know, i know, i know - yeah, i know
the world's f*cked up
there's climate chaos oh my gosh
there's terror everywhere
somebody's 401(k) died last night
and women get their hands chopped off
in pakistan
for borrowing a kiss
 
my mom & dad spent 4 million
dollars to stay alive (ha ha ha)
so dementia and despair
could define the boundaries
of their lives
 
so they could reparent their
useless children
so they could lend a hand
at the digging
of mass graves
 
and you shake your finger at me
for homicidal ideation
and you speak to me about a
state of grace
when you wouldn't know a state
of grace
from a greasy hamburger
 
jesus come quickly
and get them out of my sight
 
but wait oh no i'm a heathen
jesus doesn't listen
to people like me
 
no one to call on but the dog
a rabid squirrel some bugs
a bunch of weeds
 
the holy ghost's at home depot
buying up fixtures
for the new heaven
and the new earth
 
they've expropriated the gold in my teeth
for the streets of new jerusalem
they've taken the iron in my blood
to bind up the doors of hell
i didn't have any amethyst
for them to steal
i said i was sorry
they said that's okay
we'll take your copper
for the tacks
in the hinges
of the new ark
of some new covenant
 
i said count me out
they said already done
 
the last cantaloupes my dad ever grew
were talking to him
he was keeping quiet about it
somebody might steal them
nobody else had cantaloupes
that talked to you
 
i wanted to die right there
just a cerebral event
of monumental scope
 
just walk off right now - no money
no food no change of clothes
no hope
 
i wanted to walk in the house
come back with his favorite rifle
tell him i cared very much
and put a bullet
through that gummed up
failure of a brain
 
i simply got demented with him
you understand each other
better that way
 
i never lost the knack
there's likely a price to pay for that
 
so they call this destitution do they
destinytuition
destinationalility
destiny senility
dusty gibberish
 
who is the they that they think they are
 
i should be nice
maybe they'll give me a check
a destitutionality check
delusional money
for delusional times
for delusional acts
performed on the spur
of a delusional moment
 
to ask something from
the cared-for
to demand something of
the parasites
i could do no other
what did i do so wrong
that leaves me so alone