Boo freakin' hoo.

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Dear jpt,
Elmo Tanker III played my tune with his sagacious rundown of old numbers that I feel certain never really were-- I refer to those "stirring echoes from yesteryear's hit parades." (Issue 8.) It is well to trash the past and move into the future cleansed. Thank you, Mr. III. --Lo Ghost

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Dear Friends,
Try as I might, I have been unable to raise the shameful websites cited in "Inikwities of the Internet: Websites for the Righteous to Shun." I feel it is important as a lay minister to know the enemy, as it were. Has publicity generated by jpt's exposure of these filth-holes resulted in their being shut down? Where else can I go to see such things for myself but not feel tainted? --"Rev." M.N.

--Lissen here, Rev. we're onto yer game--you just want some sleazy porn to tide you from Sunday to Sunday. Repent ye, ere the big beast with the little horn eateth thy mortal soul!

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jpt editors,
I have been trying to research the elusive Willis Quick for a summer term project, but most of the available information seems to reside with you folks in Manor jpt. Any pointers or explanations?
--L.P.

--Everything about Willis Quick is both elusive and unavailable. Sorry, but we never promised you a velocipede.

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.............Superkaliphragilistick jpt Kontest!!!

Dear jpt,
Here's your winning entry to the Superkaliphragilistick jpt Kontest!!!
"Men NEVER believe anything women say, because it's evolutionarily advantageous not to, ever since men were eaten by saber-toothed tigers while going to the grocery store on 'just a little errand.'"
So where's my prize then? I'd like some money and to have my name in lights. -- reavin stephen

--You and countless other clowns who thought it'd be clever to crop a couple words from the example solution and submit it as your own. Funny thing is, one of them won-- just not you.

"Men never believe anything women say, because men are incapable of understanding the truth." -- Jodiset

"Men never believe anything women say, because to do so would only encourage more lies." --C.T.

--Look, CuTee & Jodi, we find both your answers offensively politically correct, and as gentlemen of a certain cut reject them with a jeer!

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To the jpt:
The daring darling Eustachia Toob should stick to her nude swims to creepy houses, in so doing showing her [*]ss less than when she reminds SOME of us that "sloth, ignorance and quasi-illiteracy" marks one's work as "woeful." Why work, learn, and sweat the classics when the time can be spent instead raking in easy fortunes by giving the public what they want and understand? Baudalare and Rambo are new gods for the modern era. Anybody who cuts them down is plucking sour grapes for all the time wasted in libraries. (But I suppose Shakespeare must have already noted this.) -- Dr. Jonny Kewll

--Hey, Kewll, Our Miss Toob is too busy showing her *ss to get any hoity-toity literary allusions!

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.............The following communication was turned over to jpt security:

To jpt Lexicographer responsible for legitimacy-of-concept in "Def of Day" (See Issue 8):
An old fisherman's boat would not have had a "poopdeck" A poop deck (two words) is "a weather deck on top of a poop." Poops occur on the sterns of ships. --Ahab

--On the Old Man's boat was a plank ripped from the poop deck (two words) of a great sea-going vessel that the Old Man had once overpowered in a lane dispute. What is not clear is whether the "I'd rather be Shakira" sticker came with the plank or was affixed by the Old Man, who in fact would rather have been Shakira. Listen. Don't ever write here again with some bullsh*t criticism and you not knowing poop from apple butter. We hope this doesn't impact our overall niceness, but you in particular we DO NOT LIKE and we don't want you around. Keep your eyes off jpt, will you? --jpt Security

P.S. Say, Ahab... Oregon has legalized suicide, although for purposes of ripping off insurance companies they don't call it that-- we'll rent the U-Haul if you want to move there. Meantime, pick up a copy of the movie M.A.S.H. and listen to the theme song. Over & over & over. --jpt Mental Health Service

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.............Frosty Mug Lecture Series, #001

Dear jpt/ Frosty Mug,
I'd like to get an informal Frosty Mug Lecture Series started at my college pub, and know a couple of profs who might support the idea. Is there any restriction and would it be okay with you learned fellows? It would also be a good program for my AA group. -- Jacky L.

--Tell 'em jpt sent ya. We could whip up some reasonably-priced franchise banners, maybe even jpt-embossed mugs, if interest continues at this rate-- imbue proceedings with an official feel, increase participation, spark more romance. Not got anything against a little more romance, do ya, Jacky? Noooooo.

Dear Sir,
Sign me up for the entire course! (Frosty Mug Lectures.) This is how thought was meant to be disseminated. Of course, getting into the spirit of things, I consumed a six-pack of stout whilst reading & reflecting, and two days later had to read it all over again as if for the first time.

--Even without the stout this is par for a Prof. Loose lecture. We are... truly... blessed.

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I'm collecting cut-out Pigasuses. How many are there in all, and what is the grand prize? (Cruises are nice.) -- Keanu

--There are more cut-out Pigasuses than sands of the desert or stars in the skies, and you will never get to the end of random scissorwork once you tread this twisty path. Beware!

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jpt and all,
How can I get my name enshrined in the Pete Branch Name Repository? -- David

--Editor 1: Change it.
--Editor 2: Pay.
--Editor 3: Pay for a jpt name search, buy a name from us, change your present name to the purchased one, then pay to have your new name enshrined.
--Editor 2: That's the thing. Meet all the payment requirements, bang bang bang.

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Dearests,
Have the profound Wine and Seizures writings been taken out of the Bible? They don't seem in line with what I remember from Sunday school. Sirs Smith and Schafer deserve Oscars!

--A: We think scholars would agree that any W&S found in the Bible should be taken out posthaste.