By Pontoon J. Doakes

1.  Baseball/softball/whiffle ball/tee ball (3.2. K-A units).  This ancient game, based on medieval stoning rituals, is to be avoided if possible.  However, only one in nine players is armed with a dangerous club.  Some players have deadly wounding spikes affixed to shoes.

2.  Basketball (4.9 K-A units).  Relatively harmless mass exercise (jumping up and down) for Watusi-stature ginks.  Causes eye-hand discoordination.  Typical injuries to legs and ankles, caused by expensive, ugly, impractical footgear designed to anchor and impede wearers.

3.  Rugby (11.8. K-A units).  Game without intelligible rules, designed solely to injure and incapacitate players.  Luckily, no clubs, paddles, sticks, maces, rackets, bats, swords or knives are used.  Free use of fists, teeth, boots and highly developed Asian gouging techniques in so-called “scrums.”

4.  Football (U.S., Canada, Australia , 10.0 K-A units).  Game of required wounding.  Contestants armed with rigid steel/fiberglas helmet-shaped rams, plus shoulder/knee batterers.  Wounds easily inflicted on all joints, skulls, soft flesh.  Game ends when majority of players unable to walk.

5.  Water polo (0.07 K-A units).  I had three ponies drowned under me.

6.  Soccer (aka. fǜtbol, fọọt-bộộl, footies, footer, u-kick-em, 2.9 K-A units).  Totally sissy game designed to spark riots of frustration among working class third-world fans imprisoned behind heavy steel fences.  Always ends in one-point win (at best), no scores in double digits recorded historically.  No weaponry, silly shorts + girly alpine knee sox. Draws crowds of middle-aged so-called “soccer bums” (female) who engage relentlessly in hair-pulling, head-butting and high-pitched shrieks.  Completely safe for nerds, wusses, mama’s boys and ex-Cub Scouts.  Last recorded unfaked injury in 1911.

7.  Golf (9.6. K-A units).  Played in bucolic setting in small groups, but every player has a fearsome battery of multipurpose steel and wood clubs plus hard hurling balls and stabbing “tees.”  Injuries range from incapacitating to fatal.  Courses always include convenient disposal sites for bodies—deep pools, streams, bogs, copses and sand pits.  Who knows how many perish on the eleventh fairway?

8.  Hockey (11.8 K-A units).  Every player armed with heavy hitting club plus personal padding, Halloween-style face mask, helmet, heavy gauntlets, razor-sharp kicking blades, etc.  Played in subfreezing conditions, so wounded warriors perish from exposure.  Derived from savage Viking rites of mass extinction practiced on peaceable monks and peasants in Europe for a millennium.