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PING! Grandaddy of all oink-and-schnoink games, primitive but as addictive as pure Mexicali chocolate crack. Based on that astoundingly annoying child’s game where you try to hit a rubber ball on a rubber band with an undersized paddle, but this one uses electrons to make you psychotic. Not recommended for anyone with astigmatism, rheumatism or asthma. Funnee rating:  
HONKY DONG Very slow, intense game based on estimating the size and weight of equine sexual organs shown on a blurry screen. Hard to beat the house, and the repeated sight of so many naked jackass schlongs has marked debilitating effect on most adult Americans. Wildly popular in Tokyo, Macao and Lisbon, however, for arcane reasons inscrutable to cultural geographers. Requires vast patience and minimal motor skills. Funnee rating:
CRAP-MAN AND MS. CRAP-MAN Early attempt at violent chase-and-destroy game but with laughable symbols instead of characters that might be: a) scary, b) cool, c) intelligible. Subject to annoying glitches, delays and a sudden emergency message flashed on the screen reading “Danger: Step away from the monitor!” Nevertheless the two games (especially Ms. Crap-Man, adopted as a mascot by N.O.W. in 1979) made their pointy-headed inventors immensely wealthy. Caution: Cheap animation sometimes causes double vision, osmosis and glanders. Funnee rating:
STUPID TONIO BROS. Earliest wild chase game, featuring creepy little Italian butchers trying to outrun creatures that seem to be flying squids. Requires brilliant eyesight and the eye-hand coordination of a fighter ace to get a score above one digit. The maze-like shape of the game became de rigeur for all following games aimed to ensnare pre-teen loners and turn them into potential serial snipers. Used by the Israeli air force to train their best unacknowledged stealth fighters, with spectacular results in many middle-eastern countries. Watch out for symptoms of visual aphasia, loss of appetite or dropsy. Funnee rating:
DR. EETCHERGUTZ Later horror game filled with gruesomely realistic visual effects, including evisceration, decapitation, exsanguination and other disturbing events in droolingly slow slo-mo and ultra-intense color. Main character resembles typical U.S. government politician, except for the lack of fangs, claws and tentacles. Premise is that you, the player, are next victim of a Ripperish fiend with an annoyingly epicene giggle. Warning: projectile vomiting onto the screen not an uncommon phenomenon! Funnee rating:
PUPPY POOP Attempt to create mesmerizing romp for pre-five-year-old tots. Result: strange pinkish blancmange who seems closely related to the Teletubbies (including the obviously gay one!) leads child player on merry chase through landscape dominated by very poorly animated critters of indistinct genus, sex and size. Object: destroy critters with many little bolts of blue energy generated from finger of blancmange. Instructions so esoteric that Ph.D.s in computer science faint under the strain. Should be banned to anyone under 40. Funnee rating:
EXTERMINATE! Highly popular game, very fast and loud, with the object of coaxing the player to destroy all life on Earth by using a giant, mostly useless arsenal of badly conceived weapons built with huge cost over-runs by vicious thugs from the military-industrial complex. Accurately replicates U.S. life from 1950-90 during the Cold War, including great wallops of dread, despair and existential malaise worse even than any since fabricated by the Republican Party. Caution: many players may require resuscitation, followed by long-term recuperation at the nearest ICU. Funnee rating:
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