It is positively stunning to leaf through recent TV Guides and inspect the array of filmic funk available to dedicated nite-owls and chronic sonambulists.  I did so recently and culled these gems of dreck from the dreck universale that constitutes early-a.m. TV, so readers of JPT can see what they miss by insisting on sleep and not learning to set their VCR clocks.

Brother Angel, the explosive action-painter biopic of Fra Angelico, Renaissance Man (played by rumblicious Pyrone Tower), and his torrid romance with Bette Graple (the curvaceous “Soir Angelica”), the Girl from the Convent Next Door.  See the art of painting revolutionized!  See the battles of faith between Fra and such medieval luminaries as St. Augustine (Wallace Beer), St. Jerome (George Riffraff) and St. Thomas Aquinus (Ernst Borscht)!  See the vicious scourge of the Inquisition and the mighty battles of knights, caitiffs and troubadours!  (2 ½ hours, Snortacolor, 1949)

Strike Up the Bund!  All-singing, all-dancing sketch of German-American propaganda, subversion and homegrown Nazi hi-jinks.  Mello Books says, “You think The Producers was meshugeneh?  This movie you got to see!”  Stars Jane Wynott, Mickee Roond, June Violense, the Busty Berserk Dancers, the No-Stepp Brothers,  Run-tun-tun, Charlie Chink,  Schlepandgetit, the Duke of Earl Orchestra and many more. Banned for many years for infantilism and vast offensiveness, now judged congruent with contemporary mental ages and viewing tastes. (1 ¾ hours, b & w, 1940)

Trubble at the Bar-B-Q Ranch. Nearly intelligible oater featuring Dude Wain, Darndolf Snott, Fuzzy St. Boniface, Smyrna Lloyd and the ever-popular Mae Busch, as the Gal in the Town Jail.  Plot focused on sheep-eaters vs. cow-eaters feud in southwestern Idaho that threatens to destabilize the fragile trade alliances, tribal juntas and diplomatic consortiums engineered by political wizards from the U.S. Grant administration.  Long stretches of quasi-legal gabble transcribed from court records, punctuated by fusillades of loud gunfire from hog-leg six-shooters and Winchester repeaters. (1 5/6 hours, RepubliKolor, 1947)

Andy Hardly Gets Hip!  From immense 33-part series about poor, feebleminded Judge Hardly, eldest scion Andy (Mickee Roond in plus-eights) and slut-next-door Judee Garand.  In this minute variation on the dozen or so Hardly films preceding it, Andy gets a brainstorm about performing a gigantic Hollywood musical in the Judge’s rose garden, organizes the town of Lesser Dorkville to help.  In the course of the plotless meandering, Andy and Judee meet Catscat Carrothers, manic bebopper Cad Callously, Count Basely and his orchestra and other dudes and jivesters of color who put the kids hip to righteous weed and mighty mezz and get them dancing like demons in an all-cast finale on Cloud Nine.  Phambly phun!—wake the kiddies up!  (2 hours, Feiblecolor, 1944)

Death Takes a Day Off.  Somber parable of depressed small town druggist Phred Pharmy (James Snurt), who decides to kill self but finds that Mr. Death (Edmund Gwoan in a gag-banker’s suit) has shut up shop for the day and refuses to accept him.  Mr. Death shows Phred the future-that-might-be for wretched Fürshlünginerville, should he not off himself, depressing WPA stock footage that makes Phred even whackier.  Death goes back on the job and Phred hurls himself satisfactorily under the 5:18 express to Denver to insure a happy ending.  This sentimental gloop (often judged the cinematic masterwork of hack director Koch Roach) is shown annually to children everywhere, engendering unnamable neuroses in the population!  (1 ¼ hours, b & w, 1937)

Why We Fight—Part XXXVIII:  Battle for Bouggerville.  Introduced by a long and boring preamble from both Burns brothers jawing at the camera, this historic documentary was produced by cinemagigantic director Jock Ffoord for the U.S. Army info-instruction series, designed by Urpee Films.  Footage shot by novice combat cameramen under fire, out of focus, jerky and as black as Ned’s hat—but convincing!  Pompous narration by Lincolnesque actor Raymund Massive sets tone of tragic boredom, repeated shots of explosions, crashing planes and "dead J*ps" underscore pointless brutality of an amphibious assault on a tiny Pacific islet once called by goofy painter Paul Gaugin, “the very Paradise of Paradise itself!”  Lots of death, gore, maiming, induced insanity (aka.  “combat fatigue”).  Genuinely Urpee experience.  (1 ¾ hours, b & w, 1943).

Laddie Gets Layed!  Doggie drama about huge collie dog smarter than any of the humanoid cast around him (actually her—Hollywood kept the top secret that “Laddie” was a bitch to itself for decades).  Stars “Laddie,” Robert Mitcher, Lana Vine, Jane Damwell, Barely Phitzgerald, child actor Rod Groin.  Dog runs away from home, boy (R. Groin) chases, dog leads boy (“I think he’s trying to tell us something!”) to earnest miner (Mitcher) trapped in big-ass cave-in.  Boy’s family (Damwell, Vine and Phitzgerald) set up concessions and take in big $$$ from the berserk mob of ghouls who show up for a happy vacation-cum-deathwatch.  After happy ending evolves mysteriously, Laddie has boisterous sex with visiting Airedale (must have been faked!).  (1 ¾ hours, b & w, 1952).

There you have it, boys and girls!  You, too, can unearth these cinematic treasures and more by assiduous dial-spinning in the hours after midnight.  Since cable TV sucks up way more audiovisual crap than can be produced today, factories patching together and digitalizing sh*tty old films work relentlessly day and night for your viewing pleasure.  Don’t let them down!  Patronize your cable system’s witching hours!  Get with our patriotic home-security programs to further our War on International Ennui!

                                                                        ###